The Bearded Oscars: Recapping the 2014 Academy Awards

Daniel Ford wasn’t the only one who watched the Oscars on Sunday night. Enjoy Hassel Velasco’s rant-free recap of the evening’s events. 

A grown bearded man sits sobbing uncontrollably as his recording of the 86th annual Academy Awards has stopped before Ellen DeGeneres introduced Angelina Jolie and Sidney Poitier. His cat looks at him as if to say, "look at his sobbing bitch ass!" His tears are flowing like the River Kwai. 

This was my Sunday night.

For several minutes, the worst-case scenario ran through my mind. I would have to read about the winners of the last awards of the night on the Internet. The internet, I say! How devastating.

My cat George Michael (named after Michael Cera's character in “Arrested Development”) was the only one who could console me...and he found a certain corner of the room a more pressing issue than me because he hates me.

Living in Los Angeles with a full-time job kept me from watching the ceremony live. I recorded the show and began watching at about 7:45 PST (10:45 EST). Ellen was absolutely “Philomena,” whoops, I meant phenomenal. Her dry and subtle sense of humor kept the night interesting, and she quickly reminded me why I loved the ceremony she hosted seven years ago. I mean come on, she ordered pizza during the show and even brought the delivery guy on stage. Not to mention she broke the Internet with a selfie that made Daniel Ford’s head explode. With every year and new host, we come closer and closer to forgetting that James Franco ever hosted one of these.

Once the ball got rolling, we were treated to a very entertaining show. The biggest winner of the night was probably the American space program. Seriously America, why did we decide to cut that budget? "Gravity" walked away with seven Academy Awards including best director Alfonso Cuaron for creating a visually stunning film.

"Dallas Buyers Club" and "12 Years a Slave" followed with three awards each. Jared Leto let the world know he can do more than whine into a microphone in front of screaming teenagers. His acceptance speech ran twice as long as the allowed 45 seconds, but the guy made some very good points about a shaky world in Venezuela and Ukraine.

Hey! Who thought the guy that made "Sahara" would beat out Leonardo DiCaprio for an Oscar? Crazy right? It was a well-deserved win for Matthew McConaughey, however I will admit I was rooting for Chiwetel Ejiofor. Have you seen his performance? Sorry Leo, the two aforementioned actors made it practically impossible for you to win.

Can we take a second to talk about Lupita Nyong'o? She's amazing beautiful and she looks like what I can only imagine heaven feels like. I bet she smells good too (restraining order pending). She won for best supporting actress, and she also stole everyone's heart with her acceptance speech.

Cate Blanchett won best actress for her role in Woody Allen's "Blue Jasmine." She beat out a category filled with power hitters. John Ridley won for his adaptation of "12 Years a Slave" and best original screenplay went to Spike Jonze and the inevitable future that is "Her." "Frozen" took two awards including best song, which in return gave us another EGOT winner in Robert Lopez (Tracy Jordan, eat your heart out!). Idina Menzel performed "Let It Go" and Pharrell performed "Happy…" I think, he might have also been selling jeans for Old Navy.

The biggest award of the night went to "12 Years a Slave." It's a great film and a gripping look at a very dark time in our history. Director Steve McQueen was literally hopping in celebration of the win, and to quote him "Everyone deserves not just to survive, but to live. This is the most important legacy of Solomon Northup." #allofthefeels

It was a fantastic 86th showing of the Oscars. Hey Hollywood, same time next year? My shot for shot remake of Jurassic Park using giraffes should be done and should be a no-brainer next year. #girafficpark (for your consideration).

As the grown bearded man sobs in the fetal position, he flips through the recorded shows on his DVR. A twinkle in his eye, he abruptly sits up, points the remote at the television and presses play. The Oscars after show recorded. The last 30 minutes of the show recorded. All is good with life. The cat still hates him. 

A full list of all the winners can be found at