badass writer

Badass Writer of the Week: Debra Hill

Debra Hill

Debra Hill

By Sean Tuohy

Despite only having a handful of writing credits to her name, producer/writer Debra Hill did more to change Hollywood than most. During her 30-year career, Hill helped bring some of the most beloved films to the big screen.

Hill started off her filmmaking career as a script supervisor. She found herself on the set of an ultra-low budget film “Assault On Precinct 13,” which was being filmed by first-time director John Carpenter. The two struck up a friendship and partnership that would last till the end of Hill’s career. They ended up working on a script about babysitters being terrorized by a masked serial killer on Halloween.

“Halloween” became a surprise box office smash when it was released. The film’s success transformed John Carpenter into a well respected and sought after director and Hill into a top-level producer. The pair also worked together on cult classics like The Fog”, “Escape from New York,” and “Halloween 2.”

When not working with Carpenter, Hill was busy producing films of her own. “The Dead Zone,” “The Fisher King,” and “World Trade Center” are some of the 30 titles that she helped produce. Her body of work is even more impressive because she came to fame during a time when women in film were mostly relegated to hair and makeup.

Hill also produced films that most people assumed woman would not like, including horror, action, and thrillers. She is also credited with helping to create the booming “teen slasher” subgenre.

In 2004, Hill discovered she was had cancer. At the time of her death in 2005, she was working on “World Trade Center.” We assume she’s twirling a knife somewhere, crafting new, unsuspecting victims for Michael Myers. 

Badass Writers of the Week

Badass Writer of the Week: Frederick Forsyth

Frederick Forsyth

Frederick Forsyth

By Sean Tuohy

This Friday's Badass Writer of the Week has seen the brutal conflicts of Africa, been an ace fighter pilot, met with gunrunners, worked along side the most elite special forces, and was once a journalist.

No, this isn’t the background of some classic adventure hero; this is the real life of best-selling author Frederick Forsyth, the father of the modern thriller novel. Forsyth is known for his in-depth research, which has helped him plan the assassination of a President, the overthrow of the government, and how to track down international terrorists. In addition to setting the bar that all thriller authors must meet, Forsyth has been reviewed by several governments because of the security risk his novels offer.

Born in Kent, England, in 1938, Forsyth became the youngest pilot in the Royal Air Force, but he decided to leave the great blue skies behind and become a reporter. Forsyth bounced around Europe for years as a journalist before deciding to write his first novel.

Using the turmoil of France, Forsyth created a highly trained and deadly professional assassin hired to kill the country’s President. The Day of the Jackal became an international best-selling book and Hollywood film. The book became the gold standard and has been studied ever since because of the realistic approach of the would-be killer.

Forsyth, now 76 years old, continues to write and publish mystery and suspense novels (his most recent, The Kill List, came out in August 2014). We will assume he will continue to do so until one of his main characters breaks free from the page and hunts him down.

In August 2015, Fredrick admitted to working for the British intelligence while working as  a journalist and novelist. Yes, the badass writer is also a badass spy!

Badass Writer of the Week: Elmore Leonard

Elmore Leonard

Elmore Leonard

We're switching it up a little bit this week. Rather than provide you with a biography of Elmore Leonard, we’re recommending our favorite Leonard yarns.  The reason we picked him as our badass writer of the week should be pretty self-explanatory.   

Rum Punch

Sean Tuohy: Rum Punch is the first book that I thought really captured what living in South Florida is like. Elmore captured the vastness of the area and threw in some wicked, but oh-so real characters that leapt off the page. Leonard's characters always speak like real people and none of his prose feels forced. Rum Punch tells the story of a flight attendant stuck in the middle between gun runners, the FBI, and an honest bail bondsman Max Cherry. Cherry is one of the best characters to ever come from a Leonard book and brought to life on the silver screen by the great Robert Forster in Quentin Tarantino’s “Jackie Brown.” In the book, Cherry is a man who wants to do right by his pushy wife and an upstanding guy overall, but he is stuck working with scumbags who jump bail and ends up falling in love with the flight attendant. Drama, gunfire, and an ill-planned heist ensue. Rum Punch is a quick read that feels like an epic, which is why it’s one of Leonard’s best.

Pronto

Daniel Ford: I’ve read Riding the Rap, Fire in the Hole, and Raylan, but my favorite Raylan Givens story penned by Elmore Leonard will always be Pronto. Harry Arno gets in trouble with bad people (the man is a Leonard criminal through and through: dopey, desperate, and money hungry) and runs off to Italy to hide. Raylan takes a vacation to track him down and keep him safe from Tommy Bucks (who has one of the best villain nicknames of all time: the Zip). Like all Leonard novels, the plot is less important than the colorful characters spouting terrific dialogue at every turn. Raylan, as always, is constantly exasperated and is constantly foiled by Harry’s enemies and by Harry himself. The bad guys do Leonard bad guy things, and Raylan does Raylan things, and people are shot and bleeding at the end. The novel’s finale, in which Raylan warns the Zip to leave Miami in 24 hours or he’ll shoot him, provided the recently concluded television series with plenty of earthy source material for its pitch perfect pilot. Pronto also includes what could quite possibly be my favorite Elmore Leonard lines of all time: “Raylan shot him” and a paragraph of description later, “Raylan shot him again.” What more do you need?

My edition of Pronto also included an interview with Elmore Leonard from 1998, in which he was asked why he kept writing. Here was his response:

“It’s the most satisfying thing I can imagine doing. To write that scene and then read it and it works. I love the sound of it. There’s nothing better than that. The notoriety that comes later doesn’t compare to the doing of it. I’ve been doing it for almost 47 years, and I’m still trying to make it better.”

We should all strive for such work ethic and humility. 

Here are a few YouTube clips of Elmore Leonard that further prove he's much more of a badass writer than you are:

Badass Writer of the Week: Stephen King

Stephen King

Stephen King

By Sean Tuohy

Boo! Are you scared?

No?

Then go read a Stephen King story because for the past 40 years, the Maine-born writer has been causing readers to wet their beds out of fear. King's works can also regularly be found being turned into a movie, television show, or mini series. The man pumps out books like Babe Ruth hitting homers.

We couldn't summarize King's massive and impressive career. We'd have to shut down Writer's Bone for a year to do that. In the spirit of Halloween, we're going to share a couple of key frighting moments from some of King's adapted works. However, the selected scenes do appear in the original work.

Enjoy!

They All Float Down Here

Best Bartender From Portland, Maine to Portland, Ore.

Not Going Anywhere

That Bathroom One

Pay Back

Badass Writer of the Week: David Ayer

David Ayer

By Jonathan Merrick

From street kid to one of Hollywood’s elite screenwriters, David Ayer has had one hell of a ride.

Ayer, a former submariner in the U.S. Navy, had his newest film, “Fury” starring Brad Pitt, hit theaters this past weekend to rave reviews and took the top spot at the box office. He’s made his stamp in Hollywood for writing gritty, character-driven movies that audiences can’t get enough of. In a world of play-it-safe writers, he makes it a point to write on the edge, earning his status as our Badass Writer of the Week.

Ayer spent most of his early life as a street kid in South Central Los Angeles (in later years, the city would become the backdrop for many of his films). He dropped out of college and found himself in the U.S. Navy. After he left the service, Ayer lived in a tough area of Los Angeles, struggling to break into Hollywood and dealing stress from his time in the military. He comitted petty crimes and spent his days adrift with his friends. Ayer eventually channeled his energy into screenwriting and wrote “Harsh Times,” which he would later go on to direct.

Following the success of the movie, Ayer was able to get away from the streets and become a script doctor. He worked on “The Fast and Furious”, “U-571”, “S.W.A.T,” and other high-end action films. On a personal note, I should mention that his commentary track on the “S.W.A.T” DVD is one of the most useful writer’s commentaries of all time. He’s brutally honest and speaks freely about his style and work ethic. Anyone who wants to pen screenplays has to check it out immediately.

Ayer’s big break came with “Training Day,” the film that Denzel Washington would win an Oscar for. Form here, Ayer began making his own films, including “Street Kings” and “Sabotage.” From what I’ve seen and heard, “Fury” could end up being his masterpiece.

For all of the above reasons, Ayer is a true badass in Hollywood. He stays true to the craft of writing by writing what he knows.

Oh yeah, go see “Fury.”

BADASS WRITERS OF THE WEEK ARCHIVE

Badass Writer Of The Week: Kevin Smith

Kevin Smith

Kevin Smith

By Sean Tuohy

"Don't be afraid to do weird stuff, so long as you do it cheaply and cover everyone's bets. Be bold. Be stupid. People have been telling me I'm a failure and that I'm doing it all wrong for 20 years now. Never trust anybody when they tell you how your story goes. You know your story. You write your own story." Kevin Smith

The above quote should be tattooed on the arm of every struggling writer in the world. Translate it to another language if you have to. Kevin Smith sums up what every writer in the world should be doing: Writing their own stories.

And who knows better then Smith, director of award-winning films such as "Clerks" and "Chasing Amy." His newest film "Tusk", based on an episode of his own podcast SMODCAST, is in theaters now. Smith has always stood out in Hollywood for his voice, original story telling, and the fact that he always made movies that were close to his heart.

Smith, a comic book and movie fan boy from the Garden State, decided that he wanted to make his own movie that showed what his life was like. That movie became the cult classic "Clerks." Twenty years later, Smith has created an empire that includes movies, television shows like "Comic Book Men" (coming back to AMC Oct. 12 after "The Walking Dead"), books, comic books, and podcasts. Despite his critical acclaim and legions of fans, Smith has always stayed grounded in the real world and has always told the stories he wanted to tell.

I always recommend people watch "Snowball Effect: The Making Of Clerks," which covers Smith's early years and rise to fame with his small black and white film. The movie captures how a dreamer was able to make his dreams come true with hard work and by never giving up.

Listening to one of Smith's podcasts is a great way to charge your creative battery. Smith is a beacon of creative hope in a waste land of failed dreams. He is a reminder that as long as you believe in what you write and you put in the hard work you will fulfill your desires.

How badass is that?

Sean is on the left, we mean right, we mean left, right, left....

Sean is on the left, we mean right, we mean left, right, left....

Badass Writers of the Week: The Founding Fathers

By Sean Tuohy 

Happy Birthday America! Another year older, another year wiser (Okay, maybe not wiser).  

Our beloved nation celebrates its birthday this weekend. All over the nation, people will be enjoying fireworks, beer, and fatty food, but we cannot forget where we came from. We were once just a band of tough-talking, idealists hellbent on changing the course of history forever.

The American Revolution started and was settled with gunfire and bloodshed, but, thanks to the Founders that knew how to wield a quill, it was fueled by the most eloquently phrased "fuck yous" in recorded history.

So this July 4th, we honor those colonial badass writers who risked their heads to kick out the Brits.

Thomas Jefferson 

He wrote a little document called The Declaration of Independence. It's essentially a laundry list of reasons why King George III is a douche. The actual Declaration is now cased in a special glass that protects it from bullets, fires, and bombs, and lowers into a bunker in the case of full out nuclear war. 

Ben Franklin 

Ben Franklin was like a grandfather/older brother to the rest of the Founding Fathers. During his lifetime, Franklin wrote some of the most inspring and truthful writing of his era. Also, he penned his own dictionary. He also slept with a lot of women. A lot of women. He also made a cameo in "The Office."

John Adams

John Adams was one of those Founding Fathers that had his hands in everything. He spent much of the Revolution petitioning European governments for money while Ben Franklin slept with a lot of women. He was the first Vice-President and second President. He also burned through quite a few quills in his day writing two lifetimes worth of letters to Thomas Jefferson (after the two friends reconciled following Jefferson's besmirching of  Adams' reputation) and his beloved wife Abigail. 

Alexander Hamilton

Alexander Hamilton is arguably the most badass writers on this list. He established himself in the colonial elite after escaping a poor childhood in the Caribbean and helped shape the fledging U.S. government following the Constitutional Convention. Hamilton put together a banking system in the face of negative public opinion and was a constant supporter of a strong central government. He also once wrote a pamphlet detailing and apologizing for an affair that James Madison and James Monroe brought to light. He was prolific as a writer right up to the point...where he was shot and killed by everyone's favorite lunatic Vice-President Aaron Burr. See the above clip in case you need further evidence Hamilton was a complete badass.

BADASS WRITERS OF THE WEEK ARCHIVE

Badass Writer of the Week: Jack Higgins

Jack Higgins

Jack Higgins

By Sean Tuohy

This week’s Badass Writer is a good guy who writes about the bad guys.

International best-selling author Jack Higgins has thrilled and excited readers the world over for the past 40years with no signs of stopping. His runaway best-seller, “The Eagle Has Landed,” put his name at the top of the list for thriller writers. He hasn’t looked back since. Higgins’ heroes are not your typical do-gooders (for example, Sean Dillon, one of his most famous characters, is a classically trained actor turned IRA hit man). But before Higgins started writing about men living tough and dangerous lives, he lived one himself.

Born Harry Patterson in 1929, Higgins grew up in Northern Ireland during World War II and social unrest within Ireland. Higgins has spoken about walking to the market with his mother as a child when a fire fight broke out and his mother used her body to shield him from bullets. Much of the violence and unrest that he witnessed as a child affected him later in life and made its way into his writing.

Higgins was known as an indifferent student as a child who could care less for school. He bounced around Ireland before he found a home in the British Army, where he became a noncommissioned officer in the cavalry. While in the military, Higgins discovered that he had sharpshooting skills and a high I.Q. Yep, this guy can do a math problem with ease while shooting a target a mile away.

Military service lit a fire under Higgins. After he got out, he went back to school, and, unlike before, he threw himself into school work and studied throughout England. Once he was finished with school, Higgins began writing. He pumped out short thriller paperbacks. None of them were hits, nor were they very good, but Higgins kept working at his craft.

It all came to a head when he published his sixth novel, the aforementioned “The Eagle Has Landed.” Higgins was the hot new writer despite the fact he had been writing for nearly 10 years. “The Eagle Has Landed” tells the tale of a group of German commandos sent to England to kidnap Winston Churchill during World War II. The book was later turned in to a film with Michael Cain, Donald Sutherland, and Robert Duvall. Not a bad payoff for a hardworking writer.

Now approaching 90 years old, Higgins still publishes at least one novel a year that features oddball protagonists and all-around tough guys. We assume he’ll long outlive any zombie apocalypse, nuclear holocaust, or plague by entertaining the barbarians at his door with his thrilling prose.

BADASS WRITERS OF THE WEEK ARCHIVE

Badass Writer of the Week: Ulysses S. Grant

Ulysses S. Grant dying and writing in equal measure.

Ulysses S. Grant dying and writing in equal measure.

By Daniel Ford

During our conversation earlier this week, historical fiction author Jeff Shaara mentioned that Ulysses S. Grant had a pretty decent editor for his memoirs.

Mark Twain.

The former general, who arguably saved the Union by winning the Civil War, had the greatest American author as his editor, publisher, and supporter. Does it get more badass than that?

I was telling Writer’s Bone essayist David Pezza this while browsing in Raven Used Books on Wednesday. I was scanning the history section for Grant’s memoirs and instead found a copy of Mark Perry’s Grant and Twain. The book chronicles the relationship between the dying former President and the American man of letters about to unleash The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn on the world.

I had already emailed Sean Tuohy that I had an idea for an upcoming “Badass Writer of the Week,” however, once this book was in my hands I knew that Grant’s literary badassery couldn’t wait another week. Sean graciously allowed me to satisfy my history nerd tendencies even though I kept the identity of my subject a secret.

Grant was a complete failure outside of the battlefield. There’s not a debate on this, it’s just a fact. He was good at one thing…being a soldier. So it’s no surprise to me that Grant chose to focus on the smashing success that was his military career. However, Rod Paschall, editor of MHQ: The Quarterly Journal of Military History, points out in his introduction to the Barnes and Noble edition of Grant’s memoirs that the former general was a “managed alcoholic,” a “voracious reader,” and “cold sober” during his years in the public spotlight.

He didn’t set out to write his memoirs for posterity’s sake. He set his pencil to paper so that his family would be financially secure once he died from the debilitating tongue and throat cancer that was eating him alive. A lifetime of trusting the wrong people, investing money he didn’t have in troubled ventures, and his failures at everything outside of the Army had left him debt-ridden and desperate.

Grant’s writing process wasn’t an easy one. According to Perry, he had major trouble swallowing, difficulty sleeping, and was in a constant state of pain and exhaustion. He didn’t proceed alone though. He had his wife Julie Dent Grant by his side the entire time and Perry writes that Twain would frequently visit Grant in New York City and the two would swap stories. Twain also provided the final push Grant needed to sign a book contract and start writing (What was Twain doing while helping Grant write and publish his words? Crafting The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. No big deal).

Grant was constantly waylaid by sickness, continued money trouble, and a reliance on writing in pencil and hours of dictation during his struggle to finish his work. Despite those roadblocks, the end result is a masterpiece of concise and honest prose. It reminds me of Matthew Ridgeway’s account of the Korean War with its vivid reminiscences of major battles, determination to tell the truth about events colored by political and cultural discourse during the intervening years, and its deep belief in American culture and convictions despite mindless bloodshed and political ineptitude. He briskly moves the reader from battle to battle, sharing private correspondence, war orders, and his personal thoughts on victories and defeats.

Conditions need to be damn near perfect for me to write a coherent sentence. I can’t imagine what my writing would look like if I was crippled with cancer and was down to my last chance to provide for my family. Even with an assist from one of the greatest writers to ever live, Grant’s feat is truly remarkable.

Indulge me by reading a few of my favorite passages:

Following the siege of Vicksburg: “In this narrative I have not made the mention I should like of officers, dead and alive, whose services entitle them to special mention. Neither have I made that mention of the navy which its service deserve. Suffice it to say, the close of the siege of Vicksburg found us with an army unsurpassed, in proportion to its numbers, taken as a whole of officers and men. A military education was acquired which no other school could be given.”
Regarding Abraham Lincoln: “He always showed a generous and kindly spirit toward the Southern people, and I never heard him abuse the enemy. Some cruel things said about President Lincoln, particularly in the North, used to pierce him to the heart; but never in my presence did he evince a revengeful disposition—and I saw a great deal of him at City Point, for he seemed glad to get away from the cares and the anxieties of the capital."
At Appomattox Court House: “What General Lee’s feelings were I do not know. As he was a man of much dignity, with an impassible face, it was impossible to say whether he felt inwardly glad that the end had finally come, or felt sad over the result, and was too manly to show it. Whatever his feelings, they were entirely concealed from my observation; but my own feelings, which had been quite jubilant on the receipt of his letter, were sad and depressed. I felt like anything rather than rejoicing at the downfall of a foe who had fought so long and valiantly, and had suffered so much for a cause, though that cause was, I believe, one of the worst for which a people ever fought, and one for which there was the least excuse. I do not question, however, the sincerity of the great mass of those who were opposed to us."

Grant died three days after finishing his task. His final campaign was a success. His memoirs were a sensation and provided his family the financial means he couldn’t muster during the last years of his life.

Ulysses S. Grant during the Civil War

Ulysses S. Grant during the Civil War

Following my discovery at Raven Used Books, I stopped into Barnes and Noble to purchase a copy of Grant’s memoirs. The older gentleman at the register held the book in his hands for a long moment.

“Great book,” he said. “You’ve heard of Gertrude Stein, right?”

I nodded, which seemed to have restored some of his faith in humanity.

“Well, this was the book she kept at her bedside. How about that, huh?”

A conversation about Mark Twain and Grant’s writing style followed. He also commented that the edition I bought was perfect for annotation and research. I walked out of that store feeling like the idea for this “Badass Writer of the Week” was predetermined.

Grant’s memoir now occupies a special place on my nightstand, where I imagine it will remain for years to come.

BADASS WRITERS OF THE WEEK ARCHIVE

Badass Writer of the Week: Nicholas Meyer

Nicholas Meyer

Nicholas Meyer

By Sean Tuohy

This week's Badass Writer is a man who boldly went where no man had gone before and saved a multi-million dollar franchise. Nicholas Meyer is a novelist, screenwriter, filmmaker, and all-around badass who fuses a love for history and sci-fi to create some of the most original stories for the page or screen.

Meyer helped save several long running series during his career. He started with novels featuring Sherlock Holmes and then moved on to putting “Star Trek” back on the galactic right track to blockbuster millions and acclaim. It seems whatever Meyer touches comes back to life and makes a ton of money.

Born in New York City, Meyer attended college in Iowa. After college he penned The Seven-Per-Cent Solution, a Sherlock Holmes mystery featuring the detective strung out on cocaine as he tries to stop war from breaking out. The novel spent 40 weeks on top of the bestsellers list before being turned in to a box office smash (Meyer wrote the screenplay). The following year, Meyer wrote Time After Time, a screenplay involving writer H.G. Welles chasing down serial killer Jack The Ripper in 1979 San Francisco, which he was able to sell to Warner Brothers and make his directorial debut. The film was a hit and starred Malcolm McDowell as H.G. Welles.

Now a hotshot director, Meyer was chosen to helm "Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan."

Set phasers to full Sean nerd.

The first "Star Trek" film is...awful. It looks great and the soundtrack is wonderful, but the movie has no plot and is as much fun as watching me eat a sandwich. Meyer, who had never seen "Star Trek," breathed new life into the failing series. Meyer was able to jump start the series and turn "Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan" into one of highest grossing movies of the year. Yes, if it was not for Meyer there may not be a decent "Star Trek" movie to watch and millions of nerds like me all over the world would have nothing to talk about.

After enriching humans and Vulcans alike, Meyer moved on to direct the award-winning mini-series "The Day After," which told the story about a town in the aftermath of a nuclear war. The series did well, but Meyer had so many issues with the television show's producers that he vowed never to work in television again.

He ended up going back to the film series he brought back to life, but this time to add the final chapter. Meyer wrote and directed the classic "Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country." The movie was a hit and we're sure several Hollywood producers added third swimming pools to their fourth and fifth homes.

Meyer is still writing and directing. His next project is the highly sought after Teddy Roosevelt biopic based on the award-winning series of books that Daniel Ford devoured and recites when he gets a few drinks in him.

If Meyer ever stops working, we assume it will be because Ricardo Montalban as finally gotten his revenge.

BADASS WRITERS OF THE WEEK ARCHIVE

Badass Writer of the Week: William T. Vollmann

William T. Vollman photographed by Newsweek (RIP)

William T. Vollman photographed by Newsweek (RIP)

By Sean Touhy

Are you working a dead end job that is slowly killing you on the inside?

First of all, welcome to the club (we have t-shirts)!

Second of all, quit your bitching and do something about it!

Go back to school, get a better job, join an international group of freedom fighters in a faraway land to defeat a super power.

Okay, you can only pull off the last one if you’re award-winning author William T. Vollmann. Who sadly, you are not.

For more than 20 years, Vollmann has embodied the true spirit of a writer. A man who uses his natural talents to write powerful and thought-provoking works.

Vollmann had a basic American childhood. After he graduated college, he worked odd jobs for several years, saving up money until he was able to leave it all behind.

The year was 1982 and a war was raging in Afghanistan between the mujahedeen freedom fighters and the Soviet Union—the world’s second-rate superpower (suck it Putin!). Some unknown force in Vollmann told him that he had to get there, he had to be on the front lines of that war, and he had to lend a helping hand. When most people “lend a helping hand,” they give a couple extra bucks to the guy smelling up their morning commute. The phrase normally doesn’t mean, “pick up a rifle and run into battle against an army that made a generation of U.S. school kids duck and cover under wooden desks in the 1960s.”

However, that’s exactly what it meant to Vollmann! After his experience, he wrote his first book, An Afghanistan Picture Show: Or, How I Saved the World (um, most badass title ever?), which wasn’t published for another decade!

Normal cover for one's first book...

Normal cover for one's first book...

Vollmann continued to write full-time. He did not contain himself to one genre of storytelling; he bounced from fiction to nonfiction. His stories tell the tales of the America of old and of the America to come. In 2009, Vollmann was awarded the Strauss Living Award, which gave him $50,000 a year—tax-free—for five years.

Vollmann was never at ease with his celebrity and rarely gives interviews. It was discovered in later years that Vollmann had been investigated by the FBI in connection to the Unabomber. What, a guy described as a misanthrope can’t refuse to use things like a cell phone and a credit cared without someone thinking he’s blowing shit up somewhere?

We've been told that Vollmann currently resides in Cailfornia with his wife and daughter but the Writer's Bone crew believes he may be planning his next adventure along the border between Ukraine and Russia.

BADASS WRITERS OF THE WEEK ARCHIVE

Badass Writer Moment: John Swartzwelder Buys A Booth

John Swartzwelder?

John Swartzwelder?

Badass Writer of the Week acknowledges a single badass moment in writing every once and a while. Feel free to makes suggestions in the comments section or tweet us at @WritersBone.

By Sean Tuohy

The Writer

We’ve asked it before, and we’ll ask it again...

Who doesn’t love “The Simpsons,” that belly laugh inducing, yellow-skinned family of five that shows up our television screens every Sunday night?

During its glory days “The Simpsons” mixed topical humor, goofiness, and the right amount of heart into each episode. The show has a large writing staff filled with talented young writers who pump out jokes and stories a mile a minute. Many well-known names have written for “The Simpsons,” but one name rises above the rest is arguably the most responsible for the success of the show: John Swartzwelder. The 6-foot-5 reclusive writer is almost unknown outside of “The Simpsons” world, which is a shame because he has done so much to shape and change the pop culture landscape. Swartzwelder has penned nearly a sixth of all Simpsons episode and during the golden years his name is always in the credits. Swartzwelder is known for his tight-lipped ways and refuses to do audio commentary for “The Simpsons” nor does he do interviews. To be honest, many hardcore fans think Swartzwelder does not exist at all, but a name the writing staff made up to use when they all work on an episode.

I don't believe that.

I know John Swartzwelder is real. Something in my writing bones tells me that he is very much alive. Over the years stories have emerged about him, like the one about him refusing to come into “The Simpsons” writing room because smoking was banned. He loves to smoke while he writes, so he just started mailing in scripts. That’s a badass move.

The Moment

It’s known that Swartzwelder did most of his best writing at a small café in Los Angeles. He would sit in one particular booth and punch out a script while smoking (Young folks, there was actually a time when you could smoke in cafés. It was an awesome smoked-filled time).

Well, sadly the city of Los Angeles banned smoking in public indoor locations. That meant that the café would no longer allow Swartzwelder to do his thing the way he wanted to do it. Swartzwelder did what any smoker would do. He moved outside.

Wait, no he didn't.

He bought the booth from the cafe and had it shipped to his house!

Swartzwelder could not part from this booth. Maybe it was made from a magical tree that gave him powers to become a great writer. Or maybe Swartzwelder just has trouble saying good-bye. Swartwelder went on to write for “The Simpsons” for a while, and helped produce the big screen version of the show, and has penned several novels.

He has yet to give an interview.

The booth's whereabouts remain unknown.

BADASS WRITERS OF THE WEEK ARCHIVE