By Sean Tuohy
It’s that time of year again when you put on a god-awful sweater, drink booze-heavy eggnog, and celebrate an obese man breaking into your home and eating your offering of store-bought cookies and soy milk.
Christmas is a wonderful time of the year, unless you’re elf because those tiny North Pole slaves are working unpaid overtime to manufacture your ungrateful kids’ gifts. This is a time when we come together and watch movies about the Christmas spirit. There are many Christmas movies out there, but the one film that sums it up the holiday best is a little classic called “Die Hard.”
It’s the classic Christmas tale of an off-duty cop getting trapped in his wife’s office building during a terrorist takeover. Barefoot, outnumbered, and truly hating Twinkies, John McClane must save the day and, in essence, save Christmas.
Here are all the reasons I could think of for why “Die Hard” should be your go-to holiday movie for years to come:
It Shows the Importance of Being Kind and Helpful
This time of year, you have to be nice or else…a fat man in a red suit will hunt you down. With that thought in mind, limo driver Argyle helps his fellow man by giving McClane a lift from the airport and….smashing his car into the terrorist getaway van and punching a man in the face. True holiday spirit.
Don’t Be Mean
Terrorist Tony learns you shouldn’t be mean during this time of year after he chases our hero under a table with a machine gun and then gets shot in the crotch.
You could buy your gifts or you could handcraft them like some kind of Third World family. If decide on the latter, you have to be creative just like McClane when he uses a corpse and a Santa hat to mess with the terrorists’ leader. Don’t forget how to use tape to hide your pistol on your sweat- and blood-soaked back.
You have to enjoy the little things, just like McClane enjoys climbing through an air duct. “Now I know what a T.V. dinner feels like.” See, that’s a grateful man.
Hey, tell the truth. No one likes a liar, mostly because their pants are always on fire. Hans Gruber, the mastermind behind the terrorist plot, is a liar. He lies right to Eliis’ face and then shots him in that face. Don’t worry, he gets what he deserves…no, not a fair trial followed by a prison sentence, but a free trip out of a window. Still better than your pants being on fire.
Being With Family
The most important part of the holidays is spending time with your loved ones. Even if both of you are in shock after a traumatic event and soaked in blood, it’s good to reconnect with one another.