I Rant, Therefore I Am: Why It’s Good to Unleash the Beast

  Everyone feels like screaming like Homer Simpson from time to time.

Everyone feels like screaming like Homer Simpson from time to time.

By Daniel Ford

As Sean and the rest of the Writer’s Bone team knows, I like a good rant. I enjoy giving them, listening to them, writing them, etc.

Last night, I was trapped in a laundromat in Boston for a couple of hours. By trapped I mean I hadn’t done laundry in a month and needed to get it done and the washers and dryers in my building are so god-stinking awful that I was forced into the cold to seek laundry of a higher power. I used to live in Queens, N.Y., so I wasn’t prepared for the shady experience that followed.

For starters, this poor, stupid, and fat family felt the need to have a conversation with each other by shouting every word. Every word. They were never more than two steps away from each other. I heard them in my dreams that’s how loud they were. If that weren’t enough, the dryers worked as well as me blowing on my wet clothes after spending my day drinking coffee and eating chili. The worst part was this semi-homeless guy walks in, eats his dinner, watches 20 minutes of "The Voice" with me, drinks a 20ish-ounce Brisk Pink Lemonade, belches loudly, and audibly hikes up his pants a few times. He wasn’t doing laundry, so I figured he was waiting around to rob me of my freshly laundered clothes.

At one point, I had this email exchange with Sean:

Me: This is guy is 100% going to rob me for my clothes.
Sean: Break a chair leg off and use it as a weapon.
Me: I’m going to choke him out with a pair of underwear that I forgot to wash that I wore on a day I had Qdoba for lunch and fired 1,000 farts into at the urinal.
Sean: Wow, harsh. I love it.

The guy eventually manically waved at someone outside and then left. It’s worth repeating that he was not doing laundry. I know, I know. #FirstWorldProblems. But that’s what makes a rant so freeing. Whatever your problem is, it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to anyone ever even though it’s really not. Why not scream, pout, and carry on in such a manner that you wind up on YouTube so the whole world can enjoy it?

Or better yet, write it down, send it to writerbone@gmail.com, and we’ll share it with our readers!

In the meantime, enjoy some of my favorite rants:

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